“The boat has come to pick me up. When I pass the island, I wave so vigorously that my hand falls off into the sea” – Zachary Schomburg, “Beautiful Island”
Baltimore, MD is hands down, without a doubt, easily the second-best city in the United States. It’s got beautiful architecture, it’s got a harbor AND a bay, its sports teams’ colors are Halloween colors, it’s got the best baseball stadium, Edgar Allan Poe was drunk here a lot, the best TV show of all time was filmed there, and of course, you can get good crabs everywhere. Since I’m here this week—Baltimore, MD, the second-best city in the United States—let’s do an ekphrasis on crabs.
Blue Crabs
Look at the color on that crab! Gorgeous. Absolute unit. Homer would’ve had such an impossible time describing this dude. Goddamn that’s a beautiful crab. Spectacular.
Bushel of Crabs
Oh baby, there are stock photos and then there are stock photos and this definitely the latter. Straight from the Governor’s office! I assume that’s what “MarylandGovPics” means, anyway, I’m not looking it up. There’s a conspicuous lack of Old Bay on this bushel of crabs. You gotta douse them dudes. I suppose Old Bay, when doused on a freshly steamed bushel of crabs and therefore all caked and dirt-colored, it not tremendously photogenic. Tremendously tasty, though.
Crab Montage!
Apparently everything is evolving into crabs, which is definitely a conclusion you could draw if you looked at this photo after waking up from a traumatic brain injury. Y’all think that happens in space? Things evolving into crabs?
Love this montage. I can’t name any of these species, which is the kind of Nature Enjoyer I am. I don’t go birding, I yell “look at that blue one!” and point whilst on walks. That bright-eyed nerd in the bottom right and its adorable counterpart bottom left are cuteness champs. The one in between them is strong, they model for Etsy artists. Middle row looks pretty deep sea, shoutout to them. Hardy folk. Probably barely have functioning eyes, which makes us kindred spirits. That top row’s heavy infantry. Uruk-hai of crabs.
Dungeness Crabs
This Pacific crab has a backwards hat, is sitting in a flipped-around chair, and has just told the English class to tear the pages out of their textbook/stand on their desks/pass the Poetry AP exam. Dungeness Crab might not taste as good as their Chesapeake Bay counterparts, but they are scary enough. That’s the thing about crabs—wonderful as they are, you’re not often thrilled to see them, say, if you’ve washed ashore on a beach and the island seems to be abandoned.
Coconut Crabs
Look, I’m gonna be honest: looking at pictures of Coconut Crabs is exposure therapy for me. Loving the ocean does not preclude being afraid of the ocean; in fact, not having a healthy fear of the ocean is a form of incredible hubris. They’ve written books about it and everything. Look at these guys, though. Red and blue, getting along, probably not the Coconut Crabs who ate Amelia Earhart.
Is That Some Sort of Crab-Frog Mutant Hybrid
I am told this is a Shore Crab in the Olympic Peninsula in Washington. It looks like a frog and a crab—two beautiful creatures—got spliced together and everything went wrong. It looks like it found the Spear of Destiny and has been possessed by Satan’s Son and only John Constantine can stop Hell’s invasion of Earth. Not gonna lie, I’m a little afraid to turn around now, what if there’s one behind me? Hang on, just going to check.
Sorry you got an email,
Chris