“Turmoil…taxation of trade routes…is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade…the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping…” – George Lucas, ‘The Phantom Menace’
We have so many nice things because of taxes. Parks, schools, public transit. It should be a joyous occasion to pay your taxes. This is the United States, though, so I am in Hell.
If you’re looking for some useful tips on writers filing taxes, please check out ‘s post “Write Off What You Know.” If you want a bitchfest with fun pictures, stay right goddamn here.
Let’s start with the most important point: everyone can agree that the US tax filing system sucks. The government already knows what we owe, and should just give us a bill. Or a refund. Any of you dorkass losers wanna itemize deductions or whatever, you should be able to do the same way anyone is able to contest a speeding ticket: take time out of your day and do it. Everybody else: pay a bill (or get a refund).
Tax filing companies like TurboTax and H&R Block love that our tax filing system sucks, because they make money off of it. Conservatives love that our tax filing system sucks, because they want to destroy civil society but have to say it like “read my lips: no new taxes” or whatever. Centrists love that our tax filing system sucks, because centrists are dorks and the fact that they know how to file their taxes properly is a badge of dork honor. Leftists hate that our tax filing system sucks, but who cares what leftists have to say in this country.
One of the multiple multiple places that gave me a paycheck last year (because being a writer means endless hustling to just barely make the secondary income in your own home) wants me to set up an entire Intuit account just to view tax forms. Tax prep companies shouldn’t have X-clue-zie rights to my reporting forms! Just send me the goddamn form!
I don’t want to hear any advice either. I don’t want to hear I should’ve started this earlier. I don’t want to hear about how you know a tax person who works with a lot of artists and is really easy and helpful. I’ve heard all of it, and being better about my taxes is on my long list of things to do. I don’t need to hear your shit right now. Do not reach out to me about this column with anything other than a “fuck yeah dude” or if cursing’s not your thing a “well said dude and also I can tell you’ve been working out” will suffice.
That’s it this week, Jesus. He rose up from the dead 2,023 years and four days ago and I still gotta deal with this tax bullshit, man. Taxes are good! Render unto, y’know, Caesar, man! We should make filing easy and celebrate the rad stuff we use all our seamlessly-processed taxes for! Like libraries! Or the National Aquarium, I was just there and it ruled! While I’m on that, dismantle the military industrial complex and end imperialism! Tax the rich! Medicare For All! Well-made public housing! Housing is a human right! What are you doing? You can’t drag me off, this is my own blog! Hey!
Sorry you got an email,
Chris