“party, & they are the party, & it / is a ghost party. / Excuse me, a spooky babe party. My favorite bedtime story: Once upon a time,” – Chen Chen, “The School of a Few or a Lot of My Favorite Things
Ever since writing this column, I’ve randomly thought about how great an experience typing “ghosts” into Wikimedia Commons was. Bonus for The Content Churn, I wrote that column before coming up with the ekphrasis gimmick. So I ask: on this nice spring day, who wants to get spooooooooky?
Yangtze Giant Softshell Turtle
Well, hell. This first one’s a bummer. Yangtze giant softshell turtles, or as they are legendarily known in Vietnam, Hoán Kiếm turtles, are going to go extinct. Legend has it that Lê Lợi, given a sword from the heavens, drove out the occupying Ming army and was crowned emperor. Later, while boating near Hanoi, a large, golden turtle appeared and asked for the sword back. The turtles are still revered in Vietnam (or a glorified tourist attraction for Hoàn Kiếm Lake, depending on who you ask). Unfortunately, the species is going extinct, as the last female Hoàn Kiếm turtle has died. These were some big ol’ turtles, dude—in 1967, a 550-pound, seven-foot-long one crawled ashore and died, the one who just died was five feet long and over 200 pounds. Cụ Rùa, maybe the last inhabitant of Hoàn Kiếm Lake, is embalmed in Ngoc Son temple, if you wanna go visit.
Dumpster Ghost
Is this about appreciating the little things? “Even the humble dumpster is worth haunting?” Or is this about the ghost needing to believe in themselves? I bet you’re a fine enough ghost to haunt the actual Vatican, my dude. Or, given the hobo pack, this ghost is simply a nomad. Be free, spirit dude.
French Dragon Pig Ghost
“Whoa whoa whoa. Look, I don’t mean any offense. It’s just…”
“It’s okay.”
“I’ve never done anything like this before.”
“Is it because I’m ectoplasmic?”
“No no! You’re very beautiful! I’m nervous, is all.”
“But you’ve thought about this before. You’ve thought about something like this before, don’t be shy.”
“So I put my hand…there? And my other hand—oh.”
“That’s ectoplasmic!”
Magic Ghost
Absolutely citation needed on that “magician” moniker. That fossilized bastard did not raise that ghost. She showed up because she had errands to run in the neighborhood. Picking up blueberry waffles and Guardians Of The Galaxy-themed Gogurt for her kids (“Groot-gurt,” they called it back then). Had to take her car in for an oil change between shifts, you know she’s a single mom with two jobs and that was extra tough in the 19th century. FOH, heinous old guys. Ghost goes where she wants.
Bridge Ghost
You think the afterlife spares you from infrastructure week?
Sorry you got an email,
Chris