Ekphrasis: Sea Monsters Edition

“To know the ocean, I have always felt, is to recognize the teeth it keeps half hidden.” – Julia Armfield, ‘Our Wives Under The Sea’

Hey look, it’s the first crop of ekphrasis for the new website! If you’re unfamiliar with this series, basically, I take five pictures and write a one-paragraph response to them. This is two out of three for this summer.

Quick note up top: back on Substack, alt text would auto populate from Wikimedia Commons. It seems to not do that here. I apologize for not adding alt text previously, I didn’t realize it wasn’t there.

This week, as I said in the title, it’s either my first- or second-favorite type of monster. We’re doing sea monsters.

You Are A Guest On The Ocean

an old school tall ship with sails unfurled firing cannons at sea monsters on either side, with the sea monsters wearing facial expressions like tired dogs. — credit: Wikimedia Commons, Johann Christoph Wagner, Augsburg

Come on, what’re those cannons doing. Nothing. Come on. You can’t stop what’s coming. The ocean is so old, God had claw the waters back for the land to even exist. Who knows what’s down there? Not scientists. They know more about space than what’s down there. You don’t even have to go that far down there, you heard of undertow? You can’t stop what’s coming.

Patrol The Coast

a drawing of a map where a giant blue sea lizard with red spots and a rhino horn tussles with a giant lobster or crawdad off the coast of Great Britain — *credit: Wikimedia Commons, Olaus Magnus*

Either these two guys are just fighting, a good old-fashioned “Beat It” video-style brawl, or one of them is Great Britain’s Mapinguari. If that’s the case, that means Great Britain—who likes to style itself as a lion—is even more out-of-touch and full of themselves than previously thought. Cave lions haven’t lived in the country for 40,000 years. Yet, they chose that for a mascot instead of the sea monster that was protecting them this whole time.

I Regret To Inform You That The Italian Brainrot Animals Are Tapping Into Something Ancient

the "sea-elephant," which really looks like the head of a chimpanzee with high nostrils and walrus texts and the rest of its body is a fishes' body, but possibly furry. — credit: Wikimedia Commons, Ambroise Pare

Maybe you are unaware of the Italian Brainrot Animals, some AI-generated slop my child has discovered during his 30 minutes of daily YouTube time. Were they not AI, I could see some redeeming qualities, and indeed, must find some redeeming qualities, because I’m not trying to be one of those dads who tells his kid that his drawings and multimedia clay/tape/toy/toothpick/whatever he can find sculptures are bad. First of all, it’s genuinely not bad, the sculptures anyway (the drawings are grade level). He’s super good with clay, and I want to nurture that. Anyway, here are the brainrots, introduced in the catchiest possible song:

That video has 69 million views, and roughly 60 million of them come from our house. Anyway, I respect the Dali-esque nature of the brainrots, and the lesson of the sea-elephant is that the brainrots are nothing new.

Here’s the description of the sea-elephant, from Of Monsters & Prodigies (I assume, anyway, I’m pulling from Wikimedia Commons): “The Sea-Elephant, as Hector Boetius write’s in his defcription of Scotland; it is a creature that live’s both in the water and afhore, having two teeth like to Elephants, with which as oft as hee defire’s to fleep, hee hang’s himfelf upon a rock, and then hee fleep’s fo foundly, that Mariners feeing him at fea, have time to com afhore and to binde him, by cafting ftrong ropes about him. But when as hee is not awaken’d by this means, they throw ftones at him, and makes a great noif; with which awakned, hee endevour’s to leap back into the fea with his accuftomed violence, but findeing himfelf faft, hee grow’s fo gentle, that they may deal with him as they pleaf. Wherefore they then kill him, take out his fat, and divide or cut his skin into thongs, which becauf they are so ftrong and do not rot, are much efteemed of.”

Syllabus the brainrots with medieval drawings, digital studies professors.

Sea Monsters Are People, Too

a man in a parade wearing a black hood, a fearsome green sea monster mask with red gills, shirt off, green body paint, necklace made of silver pirate coins, and wearing black boyshorts covered in fishing net. — credit: Wikimedia Commons, Steven Pisano

Dude, I am not a reality TV person, like not even to unwind or people-watch or whatever. The whole thing just consistently makes me sad. But Mallory and I used to watch this makeup show, Face Off, and they made the sickest monsters. I’m not going to say I miss watching that show, but I am going to say that more people should wear horrifying sea monster makeup to parades.

Two Ways Of Looking At A Sea Monster

old style medieval drawing of sea monsters fighting, in this case giant crawfish, and in the background, a white guy falls off a ship. — credit: Wikimedia Commons, Olaus Magnus

Sometimes, you just have to be brave. Things that look scary from far away are just delicious crawfish.
SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES THEY GOT BOAT-SIZED CRAWFISH IN THIS OCEAN

Sorry you got an email,

Chris

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